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Thursday, October 13th, 2005
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4:38 pm
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Wow, I've been asleep for so long. It's so much nicer now. Today it's been quiet. I think it's better for Kami to be up front. At first I didn't like it because Kami and Rivvi kept trying to make me choose sides, plus the fact that it got a little violent and neither of them know how to conserve energy very well. We needed a lot of energy at the time because we were working swing shift.But now everything is a lot better. Kami takes better care of the body and he lets me sleep instead of forcing me to front. I feel bad, but I can't deny the truth. Kami is better at taking care of things than Rivvi is. He's a lot better than me, too. If I were ever left alone without them, I wouldn't know what to do. Rivvi might be a little more aggressive than Kami, but she makes sure everything is taken care of, too. I would probably sleep all day and never do any work at all. Now that I think about it, they're both good at taking care of everything, but it's easier for Kami since he's not as stubborn and bossy. I mean that in a good way.
I'm hungry. There's a fish tank here. I want to get more fish for it.
current mood:  hungry
current music: Industrial Love
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| Saturday, May 28th, 2005
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5:42 pm - It's been a long time.
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Sometimes I can't help but get a little annoyed at some people, even though I love them to death. This bothers me a lot. Kami is a very good example of this. I think of him as a younger brother, but he's just been so attention mongering lately. Well, he's always that way, really. He's so cute and sweet, but I just can't stand him sometimes. I guess that makes him a whole lot more like a brother, hm? ;)
I've been having fun the past couple of days. I'm so tired from working. There are people here so I feel bad about wanting to go back to bed. I can't afford to go out to dinner anywhere more expensive than fast food, either.
I keep losing my place. There are just too many distractions around right now.
current mood:  peaceful
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| Saturday, May 14th, 2005
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4:26 am - Released
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Ah, such beautiful music. :) Kami told me to listen to it, and I'm glad I did.
I've come to terms with myself. I think I have, anyway. I'm not sure where to go from here, though. It would be nice if we could get some time in Twodor so that I could see Yalethyel and Ikeru again in a familiar environment. I also have a date, sort of. Does going to the library with someone count as a date?
You, my dearest friends (I seem to have more than one now, when did this happen?), might be wondering what it was that brought on my sudden and rather lengthy absense. I can't give away details, but it was a crime of negative thoughts and energy directed at a certain individual who didn't deserve it. I thought I had more control over myself. As it turns out, there are quite a few more selfish people out here in the "real world" than I had anticipated, even after years of knowing Shana. This came as a surprise to me, as I don't believe I have ever been so selfish. I'm not saying that I have never comitted a selfish act in my life, but I certainly seem less prone to it than most others. My frustration at constantly being the outlet for other people's selfishness is what drove me to thought crimes, then to extreme distrust and dislike of myself, and ultimately my self-imposed imprisonment. I'm not implying that this was anyone's fault but my own. I understand that my actions and thoughts are mine alone, and there is no one else who can be held responsible for whatever path I choose to take.
I feel as though I could sleep for a long time now, as all of that thinking has exhausted me. :)
I will be here on Sunday to go out to a concert with Ikeru. I'm excited over it. I've never actually been to a concert before. It's not exactly my style to get out and do things. :)
current mood: satisfied
current music: VNV Nation - Endless Skies
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| Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
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4:26 pm
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It had occurred to me that life is really not much more than a series of disillusionments that one is continually awakening from. This isn't exactly a shocking realization, just a bittersweet one. Bitter for all the good dreams you lose when you wake up, and sweet for all the nightmares.
As much as I'd ike to say that things haven't affected me too badly, it's obvious that they have. Quietly thinking about this, not drowning is self pity but examining everything as if it were someone else's life, has done a great deal of good (or so I believe) and I think that I am finally ready for the next awakening, whenever that may be. It's cruel to have so many all happening practically at once, but what else is there to expect except for cruelty? I'm quite certain that gemstones must think that the word is a cruel and unfair place, until, at least, they've been turned into something treasured and priceless. So who am I to complain? Perhaps all of this hardship will be turned into something priceless in the next life.
I'm still not ready. There's so much more to think about. There's always so much more to think about.
current mood:  introverted
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| Friday, May 6th, 2005
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6:07 pm
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I am disgusted with myself right now. I am a horrible person for thinking those thoughts. I tried to rationalize it, but there's no excuses for such nasty behavior. There is simply no good reason to impose your will on another human being, especially if it's for your own twisted purposes. Just thinking of indulging in such a thing has probably set me back quite a bit reincarnation-wise. I can't even imagine what type of torture has been set up for me in my next life. I can only hope I'll learn from this and stop those thoughts from forming before it's too late in the future. For now, in order to achieve atonement, I'm going to lock my self up in solitude for a little while. I will return, I promise, though at this moment I can't say when that will be. It might be in a few hours, it might be a week from now. Whatever the case, it's quite obvious I can't be around other people for a while. This is really my own fault and I apologize to anyone I may have hurt when I committed this awful crime. Please forgive me.
current mood:  guilty
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| Friday, April 29th, 2005
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2:02 pm
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I have so much fun whenever I get to front with Ikeru. Yesterday we driove a lot, and fast. We pointed at cows and talked about blue trees. He told me stuff about Yalethyel's time and world, and a little about how it is now. The most fun I had was when we were singing along to the stereo at the tops of our lungs. :) He really knows how to cheer me up. I wish I'd met him years ago. We've already decided that we're soulbonds in the reincarnational sense. We've already started finishing each other's sentences and saying and doing the same things at the same time without consulting each other beforehand. It's like there's just this deep psychic connection between us. So far it has only manifested itself in small ways, but we've only fronted together two or three times.
current mood: loved
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| Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
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1:48 am
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They had two kittens in a pet store, but Rivvi said I have enough kittens and besides, they were both already sold. But they were so cute. They had baby turtles but those were too expensive. So instead of getting a pet, she was going to get me something else, but then we didn't go where she thought we were going to go, so tomorrow maybe I can have something. I'm not very materialistic, but sometimes when everyone else has a lot of things, it's good to have your own things. Even just one thing, besides hand-me-downs.
current mood: sleepy
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| Saturday, April 16th, 2005
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6:56 pm - Friends
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I'm sad because I didn't get to see ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ikeru at all, even though we were in Maine for almost two weeks. I probsbly should have been more assertive about it before they had to work so much. To make up for it, Rivvi and Linc have offered to let Ikeru and me run around Washington DC for a day. :) That will probably be Saturday the twenty-third.
Oh, I did make a new friend. His name is Yalethyel, and I've actually know him for a little while, but I never really talked to him. He's a really nice person, and yet another Cara-psychic friend for me. That's three so far, unless Ikeru is a psychic, too, and then it would be four. Yalethyel is kind of strange, though. He knows nothing about technology or the modern world. Rael is confused about him, even... I think he might be from the past the way I'm from the future.
Anyway, I took him to the store because he wanted some better earth-clothes, which of course I was all too happy to pay for. Seriously, I have enough money to choke enough horse to sink a ship. It's a shame Rivvi doesn't have as much as I do. (Please don't ask me to explain these things, because I'm not sure how it works, either. All I know is my money exists but not physically. So as long as I'm not shopping for physical things, I'm okay.) Where was I? Oh, yeah, Yalethyel. Um, so we went to the store and I bought him some clothes. I taught him so many things on the way, all about American Currency and a lot of things like that. Imagine spacey naive Tempest teaching someone about the way the world works! :D It was pretty fun, actually. I'm so happy I have two people who are good enough friends to not try to correct the way I think of the world so that I think like them. Well, Rain never does that. Does a brother count as a friend?
Speaking of spacey, naive Tempest, I don't think Rael actually wants to be my friend anymore, though he told me otherwise. He just seems really frustrated at me sometimes. It's really hard to think about him lying to me, so I try not to think about it. Sometimes I can't help it, though, and I wonder if so many of the things he said to me weren't true... As I said, it's very hard to finish tha thought. I'm sure that one day I'll be able to look back and see things for what they really were, but for now I can't stand to fully open my eyes.
I just don't want to try so hard to please everyone anymore. I'm tired of changing because no one likes me. It's taken a very long time for me to find one person (Ikeru, who is turning out to be a very good friend indeed) who doesn't pity or patronize me, and just accepts me as me. It's like we've connected on some deep level and now all we have to do is actually spend some real live front time together and connect all the surface wires. Friends really are good things to have.
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
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6:03 am
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This world does have its mysteries and its good points. A lot of the people I've met, Shana for example, have been less than desirable as friends. But other people, such as Ikeru, have been wonderful. There are beautiful places and beautiful people and so many things to do and see and experience. That being said, I think I'll be sad when we move to New Mexico. It's so pretty up here. But maybe I'll make some new friends.
I don't have much else to say right now. We have to get packing. Rivvi is fronting while Linc and Sara are here, and she doesn't want to spend that time packing. I think I'm actually going to get some front-time with someone. It's been a while since I actually talked to someone while fronting who knew I was me. It was last summer, I think. That's what I get for being so passive, I guess. Not that I really mind. If I never fronted I would probably be okay. A little disappointed, but okay.
current mood: calm
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| Friday, April 1st, 2005
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5:33 am
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I feel so much better today. I think it's because I've been trying to keep busy.
Interruptions and distractions are everywhere tonight... I'm just not the kind of person who can deal with distractions easily. I would like to do things too every once in a while. I guess I can wait, though...
Well, that took a lot longer than I thought it would. Now I've forgotten everything I wanted to say...
Out of all the symbols I've been drawing over the past few days, I've only been able to find sixteen good, usable ones, and I need at least thirty... At least I'm over half-way there. I can't do anymore today or else they'll all start looking the same.
current mood: ignored
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| Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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4:36 am
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It's horrible how whenever I think I'm okay again, I end up feeling sad. Amazing that I was the one who got asked to be up front so the others could calm down a few days ago. I guess I just know how to deal with it.
I've been reading a book, and that's one reason I haven't been around for the past few days. That and there's hardly ever time for me to do things in peace. I'm kind of picky about people doing things while I'm writing. Usually Kami and Rivvi are talking to people and playing games all night. The computer is always full of windows, and every few seconds a different on is pulled up, whether it's music or an IM or someone's friends page or any number of websites. I don't like all that chaos, it makes it hard to think. I don't like it when a lot of people are up and about, either, and that severely limits the window of time for me to actually get things done.
Right now Rivvi and Kami are both still doing things, but it's not as busy as usual, and I felt like I should at least make one post so my new friend ikeru doesn't worry about me. And I have a lot of things on my mind. It feels good to be able to speak freely.
Since I've been here, I've also been working on remembering and rebuilding everything. I feel bad and that I've been neglecting it. A lot of people would say that it's a good thing to be more focused on the real world, but why? Most people have just never experienced the kind of good feeling that comes from walking in a world you've made yourself, and so they can't understand it. It's just as good as being here in reality, except better because you can do anything and go anywhere you like. If I'm feeling lonely I can go and talk to people. I can go somewhere cool on a hot day, or if it's cold out I can go into a friend's house and sit by their fire and talk to them. That's why I'm always lost, or losing things. Sometimes when I'm too far gone, I wander around without realizing it. It's also the real reson I dress inappropriately a lot of the time. Sometimes I imagine so hard, I can't really feel anything around me like heat or cold. I try not to tell too many people about that because I'm not sure they would have a very good reaction to it.
I want to write it all out as it happenes sometime, now that I have this journal. I have so many wonderful memories that never happened in the real world. I would love to have someone to talk to. Someone who would just listen to me talk for hours about everything I've done and seen there, all the people I've met and all the places I've been. Things that have happened in the real world usually just sadden me. When I go to my world, things are different. I can be someone entirely new if I want. I can be invisible and just watch people be born and live and grow and eventually die. I can watch countries do that, too, if I want. Everything is under my control to an extent. Sometimes something will happen that I didn't plan on, but if that's the way it happens, why should I stop it or change it?
I can go back to the beginning and see the first few tribes of people I can watch them make discoveries and invent things and study the way the world works. I can watch them worship their primitive gods and I can feel how mystified they are at things like life and death and everything in the world. I can go to the end of the world and watch all the wars and tragedies that play out. I can feel their sense of loss because of how they've long ago figured everything out, and there aren't anymore gods to watch over themselves, they're just alone and cold and the whole world is crying for an end beneath all those towers.
I don't want all of this to die when I die, but I'm afraid of being told I'm too old for games like that, or to spend more time in the real world. I don't want to stop living the way I've been living. I have been trying to take step out into the real world, but there doesn't seem to be much for me. Like I said before, I'm always sad here, and I don't know too much about living here, either. I've been getting more and more miserable living in reality, but just talking about my world has lifted my spirits in ways I didn't think was possible anymore. I feel good again.
This has been a long post. I'm going to let them have the computer back for a while now.
current mood:  creative
current music: Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
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| Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
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8:22 am
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Unfortunately, it's hard for me to concentrate when other people are around or doing things, but I'll try anyway. I don't understand how Kami and Rivvi can do things at the same time.
It's not working, I can't think of anything to say. Except that I love the cats here, they're so sweet. I guess I'll have to try again tomorrow.
current mood:  spacey
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| Monday, March 21st, 2005
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6:26 am
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I haven't been around here in a while. I almost didn't make it back today, but Rivvi forced me up to the front again. She said she's worried that I've been so quiet again, she's afraid I'll go away and she doesn't want that. I appreciate being cared about. I really do like being in the quiet, though. Maybe she is right. She only asks me to do something once every week or two, so it's not like she's forcing me into this terrible life I hate.
But I really don't have very much to say here. I nearly got my head cut off a week ago. That was scary. I'm not like Jack, I don't enjoy death and I avoid it whenever possible.
current mood: hungry
current music: VNV Nation - Distant
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| Sunday, March 6th, 2005
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9:20 am
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I don't have much to offer today.
I try not to think about the past too often. It doesn't seem like a good use of my time. But it's very hard not to sometimes. Maybe I should spend more time around the kind of people who would appreciate me more. It's very hard to attract that kind of person, and when I think about it, is that even the kind of person I want to attract? Call me crazy, but there's something appealing about the kind of person who doesn't care anything about anyone else. Maybe fascinating is a better word than appealing.
The good people do always seem to slip through my fingers... Some people seem like they appreciate me, but they don't. I'm surrounded by people who take my flightiness and spacing out as my whole personality. They treat me like a child, something that really gets very tiring after a while, and they fail to see the deeper part of me. I'm not really sure what most people assume I am, but it is almost assuredly wrong.
There is proof that I can live in the real world. My cat isn't dead, and only one of her kittens died. I do remember to feed her and take care of her. I'm not dead, either. Despite the fact that I am the classic scatter-brained airhead, I'm not starving, I've never had frostbite, I hardly ever end up in the hospital for anything. I graduated high school, and though I have no real desire to attend college, I'm certain that if I did, I would graduate that, too. But every day I do seem to get a little worse. I used to be able to live in a mix of both my own fantasy world and the real world with reasonable success. Lately things have been getting out of balance, as Rivvi would put it... Most conversations I have can't be recalled thirty minutes later.
Most conversation I have had recently haven't been very intellectually stimulating, on the other hand. I haven't had a good talk with anyone in months... Maybe even years... as I said before, most people treat me like a child and they talk to me. I haven't been able to join in jokes that others around me are having because as soon as I step into the conversation, they shower me in sticky sweet words that one would expect to hear directed at a five year old.
So is it really any wonder I've been thinking about seeking out someone who wouldn't do that? Someone who really would care about my feelings. It reminds me of Shana, she never really cared about me, in fact, she was just using me to get to my brother, something which she would never really accomplish. There were many reasons that I did what she wanted, but probably the most interesting one was that she always believed I was the happily oblivious one. The irony of that is nearly painful.
Yesterday, I was upset because I always seem to attract the kind of people who are just out to use me. Today, I'm starting to think that's not really such a bad thing after all...
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| Saturday, March 5th, 2005
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2:08 pm
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Now that those painkillers are no longer needed and the ability to chew solid foods with only a bit of soreness has returned, this terrible cold has set in. It's mostly in the throat, so now the problem is not chewing, but swallowing solid foods. Despite going through a bag of throat drops and tons of peppermint tea, it still hurts... At least it's not searing pain anymore.
No one has added me as a friend yet... I wish they would, I'm getting kind of lonely over here. What's the point of recording all of this if no one ever reads it? [Kami says: "To track the effects of transits, of course! I wish I had updated as much as you do before I had friends!" He's so obsessive. :)] I think I'm making a couple of friends in the communities I'm in, so maybe one of them will like me enough to add me. :) Luc kept saying he would, but it's okay if he doesn't want to. It's not like we even know each other very well. Though he did talk to Ulysses some, and Ulysses is pretty nice to me, so I guess he kind of knows me... Kami sure seems to like him, anyway. That gets a little embarrassing, though, so let's not talk about it.
I want to go out walking again, but it's just so cold out. I'm afraid it will hurt my throat more... So I'm just going to stay in here and drink some more tea. I suppose it would be too much to ask for fronting time on Monday, since those who kind of need it more will have little enough time. It's okay, it's not really that important to me, it's just that I feel kind of lonely. Never a big problem with me. Usually I'd rather be alone than with peopele. I hate noise and I can't stand it when people fight. So I guess I'll just sit off by myself again.
What I'd really like right now is some food. It's already two and I haven't eaten a thing today, unless throat drops and peppermint tea count. So I guess I'll go off and make myself some food now.
current mood: sore
current music: Objects in the Rearview Mirror
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| Friday, March 4th, 2005
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3:42 am
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I really wish that it was warm enough out to go walking, and we lived somewhere more like a city... I miss going out with just my cat and the moon. Ordinarily I wouldn't care, but I don't really have just myself to think about now. I keep getting reminded of that. It's caused a lot of issues lately, since I've been fronted more. I guess before, I would just go inside my mind and sleep, or watch people... I don't know which I like better.
Once we move down to New Mexico, I'm sure I'll be able to go walking at night sometimes again. Maybe I'll even take someone else with me.
current mood: sleepy
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| Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
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8:52 am
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I feel like I ought to updtae, yet I can't think of anything to say. I always seem to come here in a very sleepy, drowsy state. But my mouth is feeling better now, enough that the pain killers aren't needed. We just can't eat anything very chewy or hard without some soreness.
I've had some trouble staying around lately, too. Hopefully when Rivvi and Linc get back together again, there will be some more activity and I'll be able to talk to someone else or make a new friend... I'm so tired... I think I need to go get some sleep now... Maybe I'll write some more tomorrow.
current mood:  tired
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| Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
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2:59 pm
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I'm just as drowsy as I was yesterday, and eating the same snack, too. But today is different because the part to the broken laptop came, but it still doesn't work.
A lot of people answere questions in the communities I posted in. They were all so nice, too. :) I hope I can make some more friends. I think I've been getting the hang of this "speaking up" thing Kami and Rivvi have been trying to get me to do.
Kami is such a nice person. We're like night and day. He's day, I get to be night. (He says he has no problem with that.) He's so cheerful and bright and outgoing, so strong and confident. I'm shy and quiet and passive, always happier sitting and thinking that talking to others. But we seem to get along pretty well, which is a very good thing.
current mood: content
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| Monday, February 28th, 2005
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1:11 pm
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I feel drowsy from the medicine I took. It's so cold outside, there's snow on the ground and there's supposed to be a big snow strom comingtomorrow. My fingers are pretty cold, too, but my head is warm so I keep touching my head. That way my fingers warm up and my head cools down.
I put a CD in the computer, but the computer won't play it.
There are things I wanted to say, but I can't think of them anymore. Everyone liked my icon, and that made me smile. I'll remember to thank Rivvi for it again later.
current mood: sleepy
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| Friday, February 25th, 2005
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7:34 am
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Yesterday I went to bed and built a shell of blakets around me. It was so warm and so dark, I didn't want to move even though I was so hungry. I had a dream that I was being cooked.
I was thinking about Rael. He's an empath, but I think he knew good grounding/sheilding techniques because after he broke up with me and we had to do that one game, he didn't really seem to "see" me at all. I was also thinking about my shoes. I bought a pair of real shoes, but I only wore them once. I wrote all over them during that same game, and now they're lost. I guess my shoes didn't like being written on.
It's very confusing and distressing to give up a whole part of your life to someone else because you think it's what they want and then find out a few weeks later that they didn't. I didn't ask for it, not at all. Rael was the one who initiated everything. Maybe I was confused and thought he wanted it, and then he picked up on those feelings and thought they were his own. But I didn't ask for anything, I didn't say anything, he was the one who did it all. I'm just trying to sort it all out. I keep going over it in my head, but I can't figure it out. But I guess it doesn't really matter, because even though I didn't ask for any of what he gave to me, he gave it to me anyway, andwhen he took it away, it left an empty space. Now I'm not sure what I can fill it up with.
Rael did something else to me. For the first time in a long time, I've kind of realized that theree a more people in the world than I thought there were, and they're all feeling things, too. I used to feel alone wherever I went. It wasn't a bad kind of alone, because I enjoyed it. Now that I'm more aware of others, I'm more aware that they have thoughts and feelings and some of them are about me. That saddens me, because sometimes choices I makes are because of other people now. A good example is those shoes I bought. They were good for writing on, but they were the first pair of real shoes I've owned in years and years. Now that little bit of me has been changed. Maybe it was changed for the better. If Shana will stop yelling at me for just one thing, it's all worth it.
current mood: introspective
current music: Luna Sea - BREATHE
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